Expectations vrs Reality...
The decision to become a parent is a very personal thing. I remember the conversation that I had with my husband very clearly. The fact that we hadn't discussed having kids before we got married gives you a bit of insight to our future planning skills. You see we never really planned, we lived pretty spontaneously and we loved to surprise each other.
So whilst out walking one rainy weekend, we mused over if we wanted to be parents or not. I was pretty certain on a yes, but my husband was less convinced. It didn't take much of a discussion and it was decided upon that our future would hopefully involve having a family.
Expectations...
The image I had in my mind of what parenting would be like was very subjective. I was thinking of fun filled christmases and games nights, family trips to Disney Land and adventures where-ever our imaginations might take us. I loved the idea of creating a childhood of discovery and spontaneity, filled with magical surprises....what is it they say about the 'best laid plans...?"
Reality
What we found was, that Surprises did not go down well at all! New and spontaneous events were incredibly difficult for our son to process. The 'Unknown' causes such a high amount of anxiety.
The "Unknown" includes all sorts... be it Christmas, a new teacher starting, a train journey, a playdate at a friends for the first time, a birthday (anyones), Easter, a train journey, a holiday weekend at centre parcs, unstructured school holidays, basically we found anything new or untried or unexpected has to be approached carefully and slowly.
To tell or not to tell...?
We have tried a number of ways to help improve event anxieties and sometimes it just depends on the day. What works one time, may not work another.
Talking it through is often a great one. Sometimes when I am getting really difficult behaviour for no real reason, I think about what future event might be triggering it and bring it forward to the conversation.
We NEVER now say "there is a Surprise coming"...he just cannot handle the anticipation. Also when there is an event coming up, we will let him know on the morning of or just the night before. Too long an anticipation timeframe adds to the anxiety buildup.
Structure
We have had to become much more structured and our love of spontaneity has needed to take a back seat. We know that regulation and knowledge is key to him relaxing into an activity quicker.
Christmas is what it is....having said that, the older he gets, the better he handles it. It is just sensory overload for most children.
School holidays have to be structured, so he knows what is happening each day. I have devised a timer schedule game that works quite well, but I will go into in more detail on another post.
In the meantime - this link leads to a great downloadable template which we often use:
Good luck and happy planning.
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